My Motherhood Journal
One year ago, to this exact day, on Feb. 23, 2006, I was searching online for nursery links to send to my youngest sister, BZ, who wanted to know more about baby things as she and her husband planned to start their family, and I came across the blog Waiting for Sophie.
I'd only read one other blog before and didn't know much about them, but I was compelled by a strong force to read this entire blog, which I did over the next week. I remember hearing a voice in my left ear as I read, but I didn't pay attention to it since I was busy reading. Then, one night as I knelt by my bed to pray and write in my journal, I heard the voice say strongly and clearly, "Your daughter is in China." It was at that moment that I realized that's what I'd been hearing all week.
I knew that voice, I've heard it before, it was Heavenly Father speaking through Still Small Voice of the Holy Spirit. I glanced heavenward and laughed. "You've got to be kidding me!" I exclaimed aloud, rather indignantly (though I also felt excited and scared at the enormity of it). After all, I was still getting my business restarted after taking a year off, I had debt, I was getting to be a serious competitive fencer. This was the last thing I expected to hear. But I couldn't deny it any more than I could stop breathing.
Through the month of March I was reading and reading and starting to seriously research adoption. Here's the list of books and a video I poured over:
· China's Lost Girls (video)
· The Lost Daughter's of China
· Post Adoption Blues
· Family Bonds
· Welcome Home
· Beating the Adoption Game
· Meeting Sophie
· Adopting in China
· Is Adoption for You?
· Attaching in Adoption
· Cross-Cultural Adoption
· The Chinese Adoption Handbook
· Handbook of International Adoption Medicine
· How to Adopt Internationally
· Yes, You Can Adopt
· The Complete Adoption Book
· The Single Mother's Book
· Single Parents By Choice
Books I've read after starting the adoption process:
· The Waiting Child
· Wanting a Daughter, Needing a Son
I even looked at adopting from other countries, but kept feeling that divine prompting telling me that my daughter was in China. It also reminded me that I've felt certain I'd climb the Great Wall of China ever since I was in the third grade.
Here's exactly what I wrote, March 26, 2006, in my special motherhood journal, a blank journal book I've kept for years and years for when I would become a mother:
"When I looked online at the different countries with good adoption practices, I kept being prompted that my daughter will be in China."
I began praying about this. Mostly I asked if these feelings had something to do with the fact that my sister was starting a family. I didn't think so. My other sister had actually given birth in my house, and I caught the baby and really helped her prepare, so, if anything, I'd have felt it then.
I prayed even more. Then I remembered an important promise God made. He won't ever ask us so do something without providing a way. Suddenly, with surety, I knew I was to go ahead with adopting. My main concern, after thinking about not providing my child with a dad, was financial and I have faith that this will be taken care of. Amazingly, within two weeks, I filled all my daycare slots with full-time babies! Business also picked up with my pattern company, New Conceptions.
March 26, 2006 Journal Entry:
"The path to adoption is long and hard and expensive and I am by no means currently ready. But, I have faith that if this is what the Lord wants me to do, he will provied a way as per His promise."
I am excited, terrified, and so much more, but all I have to do is remember God's promise and know that I am doing His work and he will provide a way then I have peace with my decision. Time doesn't matter, the age of my child and physical state doesn't matter, because I KNOW that I will be given the child that is MEANT for ME. Yes, I'd like a tiny little baby on the surface of my mind, buy in my heart I know that the child I get is just right for me and that I'm just right for that child.
One of the things I'm most thankful for is that I am self-employed and will be able to be at home with my child. This has always been very important to me. I have let my neighbor watch China's Lost Girls and asked what she thought and she was very supportive. I told her that I'd count of her for practical support and that I'd like her daughter, now 12, to babysit now and then for me. Last night I told another neighbor and she was so exited she was bouncing up and down and also offered to babysit. This meant so much to me!
May 7, 2006 I spoke with the bishop of my ward (in the LDS church, we call the pastor the bishop). He told me that I was on the right track with all the prayer and research I was doing and to keep him posted. I am counting on the members of my church to be part of the "village it takes to raise a child."
May 13, 2006 Journal Entry:
"I wonder if Pharaoh's daughter was married when she found Moses and decided to keep him."
I've thought about how this will impact my competing in fencing and have even found support there by talking to others who've seen moms nursing on the sidelines between bouts. However, I am fully prepared to take as much time off as needed for my child's needs to be met and will gladly make the changes in all areas of my life that will be necessary once I'm a mom. I look forward to it will all my heart!