Thursday, October 18, 2007

Another Adoption Dream


I had another dream. They all seem to be focused around gotcha day. This one was the most disturbing so far...

I was out-of-town visiting Tiffany and Eliza in Utah and we were shopping at outlets, so there was a strip of stores all in a row. While we were in one store, in walks my mom (but she didn't look like my mom looks like in real life) with a little Chinese baby that was my daughter. I asked her how she got her and she said that a family also adopting from my agency said it was okay if she went and picked up my daughter since I was out-of-town and that they would take care of the paperwork. I was appalled and took my daughter from her and kept asking her to explain how all this happened. I was feeling so robbed of my motherhood, that she went to get her and that no one contacted me or waited for me. Then, my daughter started to fuss in my arms and my mom jumped right in to take care of her and I had to explain that her job was now over and that I was going to do everything and that no one else can take care of her except me. My mom started to protest and Tiffany supported me, but it was becoming a huge scene so I left and went to another store with my daughter and then, thankfully, I woke up...

What struck me most about this dream is the strength of the feelings I had that someone else went to get my daughter. I was devastated for me, severely concerned for her and that she was deprived of direct attachment to me. I felt so strong in my protectiveness for my daughter. All I could think about after wondering how such a mistake as this could occure that they would let someone else pick my daughter up, was to wonder if she was okay and wonder if this had harmed her in any way.

I could feel her so real in my arms and my arms felt as strong as steel against anyone trying to take her from me, but soft and safe for her. I was a mother tiger defending my cub. It was one of those dreams where I was super glad to wake up and realize it was just a dream.

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