Sunday, October 28, 2007
This past week I've been feeling like a mother tiger. I feel Apple very near - like I'm getting her tomorrow, or it's as if she's in the next room. I can't describe what it's like. I feel like I really need to get my home ready, but it's not like the nesting feelings I've had before, it's bigger that nesting in one way, more anticipatory. Perhaps the fires in Southern California have something to do with it, with needing to be prepared. Tonight I shampooed my area rugs. One desperately needed it, but today I desperately needed to get it done and did it.
I'm very emotional. I'm having dreams of defending her against family members who have hurt me in the past who will not have much at all, if anything at all, to do with Apple. I'm feeling everything intently, like I'm in a hypersensitive state. There are many things occurring in my family right now concerning my 95 year-old grandmother and how she's been treated, that are triggering some of this, but this heightened awareness began over a week ago, before the grandma stuff.
I've had it in spurts here and there before, but it's lasting a long time this time, almost two weeks straight. I'm watching my actions and speech to make sure I'm setting a good example, as if Apple is already watching. I suppose this is good so that it'll be second nature by the time Apple is with me. Wherever I am, buying a cinnamon bun at Ikea, or grocery shopping, pumping gas, driving, walking, doing dishes and even talking on the phone, I feel like Apple is watching, that she's here already, skipping beside me, or about to interrupt me. I think about what food I should make for her and the bowls and spoons she'll use.
I'm also suddenly remembering more Mandarin vocabulary words. I'm very relieved that it's starting to find a place in the foreign language section of my brain. I tested myself the other night to see if I think in Spanish numerals or have to translate and I definitely don't have to translate. I'm hoping my Mandarin becomes that easy, also.
I'm back to starring at Asian children, wondering as I look at each little face if Apple will resemble this one or that one, noticing that they are all beautiful. I look at the moms pushing the strollers, too, notice what they are wearing, if they are fit, if they are looking at their baby. I think about getting new clothes, something a cut above my usual working clothes so I'll be more stylish, in step with the things I've bought for her already.
This reminds me of one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen. I walked into my bank yesterday and a thin, grubby little boy with large, low-set ears and gorgeous blond hair, dirty and all messy, was slapping his baby sister's hand and saying to her, "I'm going to spank you." I immediately said firmly, "Do not hit that baby! You are hurting her." An Asian lady in front of me spoke up then to support me, saying to the boy, "You are too ruff, it hurts her." The woman was very disturbed but would never had said anything if I hadn't spoken first.
There was a third child, another girl, same blond hair, but totally falling forward in her face. She made no attempt to push it aside. She said she was four and boy said he was eight, but after some hesitation. I would have guessed him as six and the baby about 16 months. The girl was in the front seat of a double stroller and the baby in the back.
These were the second most grubby, neglected kids I've ever seen in my life. The baby's legs were completely covered in dried dirt. Her Robeez were so dirty all over that I couldn't tell what color they were supposed to be. Their fingernails were long and filthy, too, everything was dirty, dirty, dirty. The boy looked like he had fetal alcohol syndrome, small almond eyes, large low-set dumbo ears, and what some obstetric nurses call FLK, funny lookin kid, where they know something is wrong, but can't put their finger on.
After a time, a woman, their mother, not grubby herself, but homely, smiled and took them and left without a word. I don't know what held me rooted where I was standing when all I really wanted to do was run after them and berate the mother and take the children away from her and to my home and wash them, feed them and cuddle them so they might know what love is and that they deserve to be loved.