Saturday, January 12, 2008

Universal Shift

I feel like the universe has turned 180 degrees around. Life as I know it has ceased to exist. The rut I've lived in for 15 years is gone and now nothing in my life is at all predictable. It began with small tremor when my White died almost three years ago and finished with a huge shift with TuTu's passing. It's not a positive or negative thing, it's just the way it is now. I feel it does have something to do with preparing for my daughter's entry into this world and into my life, but I can't begin to say how and I know that's only a small part of it.

Please pray for me and my aunty as we prepare to attend TuTu's funeral on January 25, and also for my aunty that she will be able to be surrounded by peace as she attends to TuTu's estate. I won't post details, but all is not peaceful and loving in my family and there is potential for great hurt concerning this.

I am slowly getting into a new routine, daily work with the children, which is natural and easy, catching up on New Conceptions work, which is taxing on my brain, fencing, which was hysterically funny yesterday when, at my lesson, I could hardly remember anything and felt stiff and clumsy. Granted, it's been a month since I've fenced, but I've got over 6 years experience. Fortunately, my coach understood and didn't mind having to reteach me. I'm sure it will come back to me once I can focus again.

I've been in touch with my agency just to bring myself back into focus on the practical aspects of Apple's adoption. There's nothing for me to do for several months, and then I'll have to renew my CIS paperwork.

I plan to use fabric from some of TuTu's clothing in my 100 Good Wishes Quilt and will make some baby clothes from some of them, too. I'll be sure to post before and after pictures.

I am grieving, but in a healthy way. It's in my quiet moments, like driving my car, when my mind is less occupied, that my thoughts turn to TuTu and I miss her. I've decided what to do with the few items of her clothing that are here. I'm going to use some in my 100 Wishes Quilt and use others to make some outfits for my daughter. I'll be sure to post before and after pictures. I admit that I've been avoiding people who will "put their condolences all over me" with hugs and tears. I'm very grateful to all the emails and comments I've received from all of you and my closest friends. I share a special bond with all of you. Your words have touched me deeply and I re-read them now and again and feel good. I'm grateful to be a part of such a wonderful online community.

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