Friday, October 10, 2008

This is Bianca

She's actually looking very good tonight. I washed her up. She ate a tiny bit. I didn't dare take a picture of her yesterday because she looked so bad it would have dishonored her.

She's had a good day on her rocking chair. She was very relaxed and comfortable. When she's in pain, she kneads her cushion for a long, long time, tries to rest, then starts again. When she's comfortable, she kneads for a short time, curls up and goes to sleep.

You can click on the picture and view it larger to notice that her face is not symmetrical. Her tongue is in her mouth and not hanging out like it tends to do lately, and you can't see her extremely swollen right cheek behind the sunken in part.

She is not a kitty for the squeamish now. Cancer disrupts normal vascular function because it requires a lot of nutrition to grow and spread. Right now, Bianca bleeds easily from something inside her mouth and, two days ago, from a tiny sore on the bridge of her nose. Her right eye is there, but the surrounding tissue is very swollen and stiff, including her second eyelid. I keep ointment on it to keep it from drying out, becoming infected, and too swollen. Today, the second eyelid of her "good" eye came up for the first time.

When she bleeds, my heart stops. I want to panic and "do something," anything, but I force myself to remain calm, remind myself that saliva always makes it look like more blood than there really is, and see how Bianca herself is reacting. I cry, already mourning for her, and I cry because I'm sorry she's going through this. She's weak today, it was the first time she didn't get off the rocker to go to her food.

As long as she is comfortable, eats (even a little), purrs in a normal fashion (not her manic kneading), and responds possitively to me, then she's still herself and I'm not ready to end her life.

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