Tuesday, March 24, 2009

From the White Depths and More

I awoke at 6:30am this morning with bad cramps. I suffer one day each month when Aunt Flo's visits and live on 800mg of ibuprophen every four hours during that day. If I'm asleep when the four hours expires, I sometimes awaken in terrible pain. If the pain is severe, it's too late to take ibuprophen because it has to be taken before the pain receptors are filled with the pain enzyme in the brain. So, I took something else on top of it, a prescription medication. Turns out, I took the higher end of the normal dose, 6:30am is when I'm sleeping my uttermost deep sleep of my entire night so my brain was only partially alert, and since I've not taken it on top of ibuprophen before, I paid for it today...

My digestive system slowed down to the point of actually stopping. I found this out when I stepped out of bed, was overcome with nausea and ran to the bathroom and threw up on an empty stomach. My stomach was so empty, in fact, that there wasn't even any bile or stomach acid. This is great for throwing up because there's no burning or bad taste, but it indicates a "sleeping" digestive system.

I took a small sip of water and it immediately bounced back out and this was my day. I had my bowl outside with me when the kids were playing and my kindly neighbor was trying to give me some kids' books but I was busy embarrassing myself by throwing up my two sips of juice.

I almost hit the 12 times mark, a record for me, but the day isn't over yet, is it?

I called the advice nurse after my daycare kids left (yes, I worked, but barely, and they are good kids and took VERY long naps) and, of course, the suggestion was to go to the emergency room. However, I knew I wasn't yet dehydrated and she said that the medication has varying rates of running itself out when taken orally, but when taken IM (by injection) it's out in 7 hours. Just then, my intestines gave a tiny rumble, the first of the day. I considered this like a sigh in one's sleep before they actually awaken. I figured I was just about at the 12 hour mark from taking it so it'd soon be cleared out and now I'm 13 hours from intake and it's looking better.

I've kept down about 1/3 cup of liquid jello, taken by tiny spoonfuls, and a few dry Cheerios! I feel fine, only very, very hungry. My appetite didn't diminish, only the ability to keep it down.

This is God's way to reminding me that if I got pregnant, I could be this way for the entire time, like a friend of mine with hyperemesis with all four of her pregnancies, but with the bile and stomach acid. Or, it might be me for the first three months. I do realize that all pregnant women don't feel sick like this, but I've had some unholy thoughts lately of getting pregnant while awaiting Apple.

After talking to a close neighbor about it, I can chalk it up to hormones and deprivation of male -uh, um *attentions* and that since I've been hanging out with a male friend, who just happens to be Asian, a LOT lately, socially, not dating, Mother Nature resumed the Biological Clock Ticking because Mother Nature cannot tell that I'm paper-pregnant.

The clock ticked loudly enough that I actually called my adoption agency and asked them what would happen to my standing if I did have a biological child. They said it's a bit frowned upon by CCAA, especially if the baby is born less than one year from the time of adoption, and they would recommend that I leave the baby in the U.S. if I travelled so as not to "rub it in CCAA's face." They also said the CCAA understands these things (but probably in married couples, right?) and so it's more case by case.

Hypothetically speaking, knowing I'm rather conservatively Christian and thought artificial insemination was not for me, or even consummated insemination, I still can't shake the fact that I can make a choice here, right now. I have one cycle to ponder this, about 2 weeks, because my Asian friend is returning home May 1. Of course, I didn't say a thing to him. He's ten years younger than I am (I can't believe I'm even thinking this, much less typing it), tall, rather handsome, which I didn't notice until he took off his glasses to clean them, very bright (he's a computer engineer, musician, budding ice skater), single, straight, unattached... Funny thing is that I'm not attracted to him as a mate, just a sire. This is strictly ticking clock urges, not attraction. I've NEVER experienced this and never knew I could feel like this. My neighbor said that even at age 65 she occasionally gets similar urges.

Any thoughts, blogger friends? I should also mention that the same spiritual "voice" I heard telling me that my daughter was in China also told me not to get rid of the gorgeous baby boy clothes I have in my "Hope Bins" back when I first started Apple's adoption and wanted to save space by ebaying away the boy things.


amydelfinodesouza@hotmail.com said...

I'm sorry, but I think your reasoning is a bit questionable (or lacking) here. Sometimes, we need to quell those hormones and ticking clocks of ours, and think of our children's futures. Is it fair to bring a child into the world when one not on steady ground with the father? Just because one wants a baby at all costs? And what would he have to say about it? Is he looking towards a relationship with you? Babies grow into teenagers and adults. There is nothing wrong with being a single parent but it is not an easy task, and falling into the role of parent requires steady, consistent thought, not just flashes of "God told me..." etc. etc.
I would recommend talking with a counselor.

K said...

Hi, amy...

Thank you for posting. You hit the nail on the head with your comment about questionable reasoning. The whole strange thing about this feeling of the ticking clock is that it has no reasoning at all, it's a PRIMAL URGE. My surprise is that I actually began to THINK about acting on the urge. That's what knocked me over.

bella said...

Hi Kim. What a rough day you had. Amy sounds wise and I am not so no further comments by me on what she said. I would love to give you a hug, and your wait for Apple is so long. Hold on to your dreams and desires, which seem to be close to the surface of your feelings and overflowing a little.
Each month passed does count. bella

Kim said...

It is hard to make an emotional decision like that. So take the emotion out it and think about the money. If you have a baby now, how many children will you have to remove from your daycare for his/her spot? When Apple comes too, will you have enough other kids to take care of along with your two to pay your bills?

RamblingMother said...

Your child is in China but don't be too alarmed, I had similar thoughts but not about the wait more about a number two. Other than morally the next thing stopping me is the chance it could be a boy. Can't have boys in a two bedroom house with two females already there. Don't be too hard on yourself!

Holladay Family said...

Do you know the other comment people in real life? I think they are a bit rude. Everyone has their own story and yours is unique and just fine. The counselor comment bugged me. I mean, come on, who doesn't have issues these days? This is your personal blog and you are sharing your personal experiences. It is like writing in a journal, yet other people are reading it. So...anyway.I would ignore the comments about single parenting too....I mean come on, obviously you are ok with it or you wouldn't have invested so much time, money, energy, and emotions into it. So forget the people who say rude comments about even when they know you are going to choose that route. Just believe in yourself and your path. I got the impression from your previous posts that you are Mormon, but you said in this post you are mildly Christian which is not how Mormons usually describe themselves. I assume you feel your path is the right one for you. If you want to adopt and have a biological baby, go for it. If you want to have sex just for the sex, go for it. You are the one who gets to live your life-not someone with a super long name (email address-who does that for their user name?) If you know this person in real life, drop them as a friend. If you don't, I recommend putting "comment moderation" on your blog. Who needs crappy advice from other people? Life is meant for living, NOT Judging. When one judges, they forget to look in the mirror.

amydelfinodesouza@hotmail.com said...

For the record, I've been a single mom! due to divorce - from a brazilian man, hence the long name, which I am about to change! :) And I really embraced single motherhood and I have a beautiful child and I am now pregnant with #2 (with a partner)
I agree with the last poster to a certain extent. You are a single woman. Enjoy yourself! Enjoy the sex! But ticking bio clocks can warp our minds. It's just a choice that needs to be looked at with a clear head: that's why I recommend a counselor, because they can help sort things out (not because I think you're crazy!)
I know that there were times when my bio clock told me to do some crazy things, and looking back, I'm so glad I didn't listen to it!
I was an avowed single mom for years doing it all - until I met my soul mate. I know this sounds like a cliche. But I do think that humans are not meant to live alone, and that there is someone out there for us. Maybe your body is telling you to get out there and be open to the possibility! I like this posting (see below) on the topic. Take care and best wishes.