Monday, June 27, 2011
We are still hanging in here. This Kaiser thing has really hit me hard. It's taking a huge toll on me. I did get Jie Jie a physical, not much more than she got in Guangzhou, but it was enough to meet the requirements that Kaiser laid out in their letter to me and the doctor did write a wonderful report.
Two Sundays ago, Jie Jie was a flower girl in a wedding and did beautifully! I was so proud of her. The bride knew from the start that Jie Jie could change her mind at any time, and do whatever she felt, but Jie Jie took her role seriously and was the most poised and pretty flower girl there ever was. She didn't even fidget for the 12 minute ceremony and it was pretty darn hot out. She also ended up with the ring bearer's pillow when the ring bearer fled and the back-up gave up. I'll get pictures up when I can. I can tell you this... My eyes teared up, not at the bride, who was beautiful, but as my heart melted at the sight of my little girl all dressed up, so brave and poised walking down that isle. I got to see more of what she's made of and it humbled and awed me.
Tonight Jie Jie went swimming for the first time - I think. She's been exposed to swimming somehow, but I think it was her very first time in a pool. She was fearless! She even jumped off the diving board without reservation. I'll post the video and detailed story later, but she was definitely a super star.
In the midst of all of this, the medical stuff did bring up our first serious bonding relapse. I may or may not go into this more later. A lot is happening very fast and I can't record it quickly enough before we're on to another phase. Fortunately tonight, we've had a positive breakthrough. I think that being in the pool tonight helped. Being in water, skin to skin, can bring up primal memories of womb life. For those reading who are well-trained in adoption psychology, you know that regression is encouraged. Jie Jie was looking at her SWI pictures the other night and it brought something up that was easy to follow and it's been a great tool in strengthening our bond and healing what happened last week after the medical stuff. I wish I could type it all out logically, but it's not really logical since it's coming out of a very little girl. I can see it when it's happening and I can deal with it very well, but it's hard to explain in this format. It's also private so trying to share it without crossing the line of my daughter's privacy is also difficult. At this moment, I am a great mother because I met my daughter's deepest needs tonight, when she turned to ME, after three days of distancing herself, lunging into the circle of my arms, in that moment between being awake and falling asleep when terror gripped her as a deep memory surfaced. The journey through the memory explained some new things and something that came up two weeks ago that still lingered, and then Jie Jie was able to come away from this gently and fall peacefully asleep.
I am learning to put into practice the things I learned at all the classes my agency provided. It's not hard, necessarily, but it's so personal, that it's unique, so there isn't a one-size-fits-all fix. I am taking the tools I was given and am leaning how to utilize them to help my daughter and myself as we navigate this delicate and precious time of our lives. This was the first time in our bonding that I've had to push the reset button and go back to Bonding 101 tactics enforce. I am so happy, that after only three days, we've been able to regain our closeness.