Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I Do Get Stressed...

...but it takes a LOT, and this last week it was been a TON.

Remember, I'm a single mama, with two businesses, both in my home, a lot of cats, a large house and yard that I take care of myself, except for the new addition of a house cleaner once a week or so, but just for the upstairs, not the daycare area, and I've done the following intense paperwork, beginning the first week in January, without taking a single day off from work:

All book keeping for both businesses,
Attempted employer taxes, but couldn't fathom it, so I hired someone,
Renewed my CIS paperwork, including my homestudy, complete with medical exam, finger printing, etc... in only two weeks,
Started another adoption,
Compiled another complete dossier,
Finally sorted and filed all the piles of mail
And I did my own income taxes - staying up to 4am twice in a row, getting up for work as usual in the morning, then on the third night, stayed up to the same ridiculous hour taking care of all that mail, which meant organizing and labelling all the folders for the various medical forms, bills, receipts, etc...

On top of this, I've:
Taken my daughter to 11 medical appointments and tests in the last month, 9 of them in the last week - truly all in ONE week!
Been back and forth to medical offices getting copies of imaging scans and reports.
I've dealt with medical admin. making appointments they never told me about so I missed them, and then trying to make appointments without the right referrals, or redundant referrals.
We have four more medical appointments in the next couple weeks, one a few hours away.
I spend 2-3 hours a day on the phone with these medical people.
We started a new treatment at home, every three hours, and a new PT daily home regime.

Remember I said I was homeschooling? I still am - barely!
Guess what? I'm all caught up on laundry and have a stash of homemade food in my freezer, but we have gone out a lot, too, which I'm not proud of.

Need To Do List:
I need to wash my hair, trim the claws on all the cats, play with my daughter, spend some time letting her cry over all the scary medical things she's dealt with and been so brave for, especially at home when she wants to let it all out, cuddle, feel safe, only this mama is ranting on the phone to the medical idiots, and also getting important info from the medical geniuses so I have enough knowledge to weed out the idiots, or those simply not experienced enough for my daughter's needs.
I need to have routine maintenance done on the breaks of my minivan - did get the oil changed, though!

I'm going to put away my supermom cape for the rest of the night and go to sleep now, before midnight so I can wake up tomorrow without my stress. If I've had enough sleep, my brain will start functioning more fully again and I'll remember that I'm supposed to call another out-of-Kaiser specialist for an appointment, ASAP, and all the tests that go with that specialist.

And, on top of all of this, remember that after each test and/or imaging scan, I find out more about the differences in my daughter's body. I don't have a spouse to turn to for comfort and reassurance and love or for help with making big decisions. My heart is in mourning for what my daughter has lost and/or will never have. Many of these things we all take for granted and don't even think about - ever. One day she will fall in love and that love will be tested when her medical history and status have to be revealed. I wonder how many men will be scared and leave her over it, or if she'll be so blessed as to find that wonderful gem who will love her just as she is. More presently, Jie Jie is asking about how her soon-to-be older sister will feel when she sees her body and all the therapies, etc... that are becoming our norm.

Through all of this, I've been so glad to be Jie Jie's mom! I can't imagine not having her. I can't wait to go upstairs in a few minutes and watch her sleeping in her bed beside mine. I know that having my daughter is one of the most perfect things God has ever done, even though I am sooo far from being Jie Jie's perfect mom. I was thinking today of what her life would have been like if any of the other families who held her file had adopted her and I'm so glad she's my daughter and not anyone elses. I feel the same fear that Jie Jie's birth mom must have felt and hope and pray that somehow she will know with 100% certaintly that her daughter is loved and cared for and is receiving the necessary medical treatment that wasn't to be found in China. My heart is connected to her heart through our love for Jie Jie, and I know that a mother's love is one of the most powerful forces there is, sacred and in accordance with God's plan.


gail said...

God picked YOU to be Jie Jie's mom. He knew you would fight tooth and nail for her medical needs and what she richly deserves. He knew you would bless her with knowing him and loving him. He knew you would love her so deeply. You ARE a good momma.


(the words in caps are not shouting, just important)

Princess D said...

You know here I am feeling tired and whiny after working the midnight shift two out of three weeks. Then there's the times when I get sick and totally hang out in my bed and once again feel whiny... Then I think about how that will change when I finally get to be a mommy, and I hope that I'm half as awesome as you are!! I hope that you have gotten some rest to recoup your super mom strength and to enjoy your sweet daughter and love on her :)