I want to clarify that in my most "freaking out" moments, I do turn to our Heavenly Father and ask for comfort, strength, knowledge, etc... to help me make the best decisions for my daughter. I ask for His blessings to be over both of us, for health, and more. Ultimately, I say, "Thy will be done." And I mean it!
So, it's not a question of faith in these moments. It's the fact that the doctors often don't give me enough information, or the wrong information, or other things along these same lines. Sometimes it's my own fault for misinterpreting the information. Often doctors, or any type of professional, will casually throw out terms that mean something entirely different to them than they mean to us lay persons.
Tomorrow, after Jie Jie's ultrasound, I will have a meeting with the nephrologist to talk about this situation. I have a few questions, but most of all, I hope to get an education so that I have a direction to start researching in. Remember, doctors only know so much. There are so many other health professionals out there who specialize in diet, supplements, and many other alternative/concurrent therapies that can help me give my daughter the best possible care. I'd be negligent if I didn't explore these options. I learned a LOT from my TuTu (grandmother) both in what she said to the the example she set.
To the adoption community:
Some of the things I am finding out about my daughter seem pretty scary right now, like compromised kidneys. This is a side-effect of special need, but is a main life-long concern. I did a lot of research on her main condition, but stopped short of sending her file to a specialist for evaluation. If I had done so, I'd have probably learned of all the possible scenarios, including this kidney issue. However, being a single mom and new to the whole "choosing a child" thing, I am glad I didn't. I'd have been too scared.
I liken it to this: If you were told that the very next time you walked out of your home you were going to fall and break your leg, would you ever go out? But people break their legs all the time, doing all kinds of things and most get through it even if they need surgery or a brace or just a cast. We are fearful of great pain and of the unknown and of hurting ourselves, having things happen that are out of our control, or fearful of the unknown. Often we underestimate our abilities and capacities. A mother's love for her child is so powerful. I feel super-human sometimes!
As I learn more about my daughter's body and how best to care for her, our routine changes. After a very short time, a new routine, a new normal, is established and it's not a big deal any more. Sometimes the adjustment period is harder, easier, longer, or shorter, but the fact is, we find a new normal and get on with being a happy family.
As I plan for my future with my second daughter, I now know more about how insurance works. I've learned that I have options. I have more experience and with that comes bravery, being more willing to step out in faith in greater and greater steps. I think that is why I see a lot of families who have adopted children with special needs do it again and again, often adopting children with more and more severe special needs.
Please read my blog and be inspired! If you are thinking about adopting an older child and/or a child with special needs, don't be deterred when you read about my hard days. If you've been reading for a long time, you might be in shock that it's taken me this long to have some hard days! I truly have had the easiest, most wonderful transition to motherhood that a mother and daughter could ever experience. In fact, when I told Jie Jie a week or so ago that she needed to try hard to remember how to speak Chinese so she could talk to her new sister when I couldn't, she looked at me a bit puzzled and said, "Mama, I 'member when ni come a China and get me. You talk Chinese a me." Yes, in my daughter's memory, I spoke to her in China in perfect Chinese! For all I know, every word I spoke in English or Chinese could have been understood through divine intervention.
I'm relaxing tonight, hopeful that tomorrow's meeting with the nephrologist will be informative and that there won't be any bad news.