Saturday, April 7, 2012

The VERY Impatient Mom

Is me! I'm afraid I've finally reached my max and I'm taking it out on my poor daughter. I've found myself snapping at every little thing she does that isn't perfect and I'm about in tears tonight because it's like watching someone else do this through a fog, but it's me. I will admit it's a combination of tiredness at all the appointments, phone calls, research, working, life and lack of sleep as well as fear for my daughter's future. I learned that she is a very unusual case and, among children with her special need, she falls into a category of 3%-6% for what she's got. On the other hand, what she didn't have, which is good, puts her into another category, too, that I'm still trying to get answers on.

I'm starting a new routine tonight that includes time for SERIOUS prayer, like the kind I did when trying to get Jie Jie's file. Though I have friends and family supporting me, this is my child and I took this on and I am the only one who can do Jie Jie's care. I need to pray for super self-discipline to go to bed early enough to get at least 7 hours a sleep her night. I need to pray for patience. I need to pray for help in understanding when it's helpful to Jie Jie remember to place her feet properly and "open her toes" and when to let it go. I need to pray to know when to correct her pronounciation and her grammar and when to let it go. I need to lovingly wash her hands when she touches something in the public restrooms even when I repeat over and over and over again not to touch ANYTHING, rather than scold her and lecture her on the diseases she can get.

Month before last, I was evaluating where Jie Jie is at this one year junction and she is really ready and eager for some big kid activities. I was researching various things like piano lesson, Mandarin classes, art and/or dance classes and then we started the medical rounds and it's all come to a halt while I get used to Jie Jie's three-hourly treatments. Eventually, she will be able to do these for herself, but for now it's all up to me, so I can't leave her with anyone and our life revolves around a three hour, or less, clock. Then there are her feet and physical therapy. How much should I nag her about placing her feet properly? Each time I do, she started walking like a robot, self-consciously over-trying and making it worse. She's voiding eye contact and has developed a fake smile to cover her true feelings. I've tried talking to her about this, but she insists that she's fine. The best way to proceed, is to go back to attaching and bonding 101, and realize that this is just a normal glitch in the road, all my fault, and that I can make it better if I START NOW and MAINTAIN a good pattern, no matter what.

I am simply aching, to go for a fast walk for exercise, at night, with my music in my headphones, but I don't have a stroller that can hold Jie Jie and allow me to cruise. With the adoption pending, I can't justify hiring a babysitter after she's in bed just to go take a walk. Hopefully, once we're hooked up with the PT program, they'll give us a stroller or help me pick the best one to buy. At this point I don't care how much they cost, I just need to know which kind is best for our needs. As Jie Jie grows, it's important that she sit on the right parts of her body so that pressure doesn't cause damage.

I'm counting on Easter tomorrow, to renew me as I remember the sacrifice of Christ for all of us and how small my issues are compared to so many. I need to count my blessings and get over this hump fast! Perhaps after this Friday's marathon at the Spina Bifida clinic, when I can meet other parents and professionals, I'll have a better understanding of my role in this strange new world. Even if Jie Jie's issue isn't Spina Bifida, these are parents with children with special needs and there are bound to be some experienced parents there to give me some tips.


Vicki said...

I am so sorry I did not get to talk to you tonight! You are a great Mom! Hang in there! It has been a crazy week here as well. We had guests making it 10 little girls from China under 10! and now I have a bad cold as well as my daughter who is pregnant and visiting! I will try to touch base with you this week!

Dennis and Karen said...

Happy Easter to both Jie Jie and you. Praying for you that you get the renewal and answers you need. As well as patience, especially as you go along as a single mom. But none of us are perfect, and you are trying so hard for your daughter's sake, and that's an awesome mom to me! Hoping you get the sleep your body needs and answers you seek.

Princess D said...

Sorry, above comment was from me. I didn't know I was on from my parents' account, brother :)

Lynnea said...

Oh my....please don't let Satan take over your thoughts! It is NOT all your fault! You are doing a seriously AMAZING job. Honestly I could never be doing what we are going through without my "team" (hubby and big kids)I stand in awe of all you do. By yourself.
So hang in will get better but a gentle reminder that sometimes just sitting on the couch with her is all she needs.
Blessed Sunday to you!
P.S. And yes! More sleep helps ;)

Anonymous said...

I've followed your blog since before you got your daughter but don't believe I have ever posted. I am also a single mother with a daughter I adopted from China. She is now pushing 16. Obviously I do not know what the special needs are that your daughter has, but it didn't take long reading your blog to see that you are really a perfectionist. Your parenting could put a lot of us to shame. But if I were in your shoes and praying, I'd pray for the ability to more easily let some things be what they will be. Jie Jie's life is so full of hope since she came to be your daughter, leaving behind the pain and suffering of her past and the hopelessness that would have been her future. Jie Jie and you have brought some serious joy to one another's lives and I pray you can live in that joy, not because you manage to do all things perfectly, but IN SPITE OF all the imperfection that afflicts all our lives. And if you need to walk even if it is before you get a new stroller, I'd ask what I could do to make the old one work until you get another one, and do it!! It might not be the perfect walk, but I'd guess that you'll get renewed. But that's just my two cents worth. On this Easter Day comes the promise: "Therefore, we have been buried with him by baptism into death, so that,just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, so we too, might walk in the newness of life". Yes, walking in the new life is so good.

Carolyn (in Las Vegas)