Monday, December 10, 2012

No News Is Good News


Sorry to leave you hanging with such a post as the last one was. We are actually back in balance doing much better.

The reality of Sissy's situation is that she is a perfect example of what happens to the majority of children who are peer raised in an institution for 13.5 years. Even though her SWI was very nice, there was very little adult supervision, even less adult guidence, she was not loved by a special caregiver, her personality is such that she is naturally very complacement, and it was every kid for themselves, plus they were rather indulged with flat screen TVs in the "dorm" rooms, heaps of computer time, no bedtimes, so they stayed up late and slept through school, and absolutely no accountability, but a you do it to me, I'll do it to you sort-of-thing.

The bad news is that she's hard to read. The good news is that she appears to really want me for a mother and to be part of our family. She is trying, and trying hard, but for the wrong reason...fear for herself vs. choosing right for right's sake. However, I have high hopes that that will come later. Today she made a particularly good effort, and if I've not been snowed, I can feel good about it. She said she felt good today when she helped and tried. Please pray that she's being honest with herself and with me.

Jie Jie's MRI report is due tomorrow. I'm over my shock and panic and have met with her physical therapist and got other options. She seems to be starting another cold today. I hope it's mild, but I've stalked up on Pediasure so she won't lose weight. She's doing very well over all and she's definitely a joy in my life!

Blossom is blossoming! She's like velcro right now and I'm getting hugs and kisses every day and requests to help her with everything. She feels jealousy in an appropriate way, and is transparent about it. This is a HUGE invitation to bond. Remember how I said that she was trying so hard, despite the belief that she was causing all the havoc? Now that she's been unburdened by that, her efforts are blatant. I have high hopes for her because she has some good things going for her... She is able to verbalize her feelings and does it whenever she feels like it. Her brain hasn't clicked into teen or even preteen mode yet so she's very much still a little girl, she's smart and thinks constantly. She seems to have compassion for little children, but also has a habit, like most older kids from China, of pointing out physical differences in everyone we pass by. Sissy also does this, like announcing loudly, as we pass a blind lady, "Look mama, no eyes!" Seems innocent enough, but the tone isn't innocent, it's judgemental and worse. Blossom also talks non-stop. I truly mean non-stop. Honestly, I can hear my dad laughing as he reads this and he's not even read it yet. Non-stop, non-stop, non-stop. She really talks non-stop. She still has a weird laugh when she's having trouble about anything, whether she's bored, confused, about to do something wrong or annoying, hurt, afraid. When I hear this, I pay attention because we are getting to the point where I can help her through her difficulty without tears and a huge meltdown. Last night, she cried as she went to bed, some hurt feelings for something and I could see she was going to escalate into a screaming fest, but I climbed onto her bed with her and held her and she settled right down and told me her woes, I curtailed the irrelevant, remember she talks non-stop, and she went to bed comforted.

I'm doing well. I've re-committed myself to Sissy. I went into this willing to accept whatever may come and I'm sticking to it. One shock threw me for a three day loop, but that's okay, I've recovered and come back stronger. She's my daughter. I DO love her. I cannot promise she'll turn out okay, but it won't be for my lack of trying everything. I have taking bonding 101 to a new level. Now, not only do I hug her, but I help her hug me back. When I kiss her goodnight, I place my cheek where she can also kiss it. It's surprisingly natural compared to her earlier efforts, but we also talk about it. I ask, how do you feel when I hug you. Do you feel my love for you? She asked why we hug. I explained that it's another way to show love. Now she is a participant, not just a recipient. More another day and with pictures...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are amazing and inspiring. You give me hope with my 12 year old adopted son. Thank you for being so open and keeping it real. Praying for your beautiful family .

Anonymous said...

This is wonderful news K.

Today is Blossom's 3 month anniversary with you. And it seems she is right on target. I wish Sissy was there too, but I know with your support and love she'll get there too.

Blossom did that "laugh" in China too. We called it "the tell" because when she did it, we could tell she had done something she shouldn't have. While it is grating, it is one way to know to stop, look around and figure out what is out of place, missing or whatever. She'll be a horrible poker player when she gets older ;)

Please keep us posted on Jie Jie. We hope she is ok and doesn't need surgery.

Candis said...

K - thank you so much for keeping it real. You are a blessing to the adoption community for sharing the truth and reality of older child adoption. You are a huge blessing, of course, to your girls. I'm glad they have you to support them and love them through their lives. Keep up the great work!