Saturday, December 1, 2012

Where We Are Today


Thank you all for your loving and supportive comments.

In case you wondered, now that Sissy isn't scratching, her ears are perfectly fine! She has admitted to stealing ALL the food and even demonstrated what happened when she tried to guzzle the Pediasure decoy that I concocted with salt water mixed with tobasco and food coloring. She downed half the bottle before realizing it, she drank so fast.

My love for my eldest daughter is intact. I found it today buried under the hurt in my heart for Blossom, but it's there and burning brightly. She does have some kind of feeling of remorse, but it's not very strong. I did cry in front of her, the full-blown brunt of my broken heart for Blossom. I told her how awful I felt that she made me a participant in her deception and hurt my heart is for Blossom. It made her cry, too, but not nearly enough to show me that she understands all she needs to. She still asked if she had to continue to sleep in my room on the loft bed she dislikes and I said yes and explained to her that by asking she showed me again that she doesn't really understand how bad all she's done really is. She understood that much. She was angry that she had to miss Kung Fu tonight, but hid it well. When she admitted she was angry, I told her that is was yet another sign that she didn't understand her actions. I asked her why she missed the class in the first place and she gave the correct answer. Then I asked her why she was angry at me when she was the one who sinned (and I use that word strongly because she committed a grievous sin against her sister). She began to understand and after a time admitted that she's been angry since I made her walk in China and that she didn't understand about family and love. I asked her if she wanted my help and she said yes. I also asked her if she wanted me for her mother and she said yes.

Tonight's accomplishment was not a big step forward but it did put us back on the starting line with Sissy in a much better state than when we started in China.

Something I learned in my adoption classes has been valuable and now needs to be expanded upon. It's that our kids don't have words to describe their feelings. They don't know anger, sadness, guilt, etc... Guilt is the word that is now added, as well as sorrow, revenge and the lesson of loud vs. angry.

Taking it a step further, I need to teach my daughter, like one does with a two year-old, appropriate ways to express anger and other emotions.

We watched an episode of the Brady Bunch today in which Cindy's doll disappears and she accuses Bobby. Turns out the dog did it, but there's a lot of process in there that we talked about, like why Bobby wasn't punished. The reason being, he told the truth and Cindy did, too, when she admitted she didn't see Bobby take the doll. We also talked about anger vs. a loud voice. The next episode we watch will be the one where Peter breaks a vase and his feelings of guilt in the end made him confess. I am going to use more tools, like these episodes, and have few more ideas I'd like to develop that would lead to teaching responsibility and empathy through hands on experience.

It's the middle of the night and I'm too tired to read, but I've taken a peek into my book-of-the-moment Hold On to Your Kids and I'm looking forward to getting into the nitty gritty bits of it.

4 comments:

Almond Tea said...

Sometimes, thing just need time. I'm glad you have been able to move past the hurt with Sissy and are helping her understand how hurtful the things she has been doing have been.

I pray that Blossom can forgive Sissy and that you continue to successfully navigate this wonderful world of older child adoption.

Anonymous said...

Now that you mentioned watching The Brady Bunch show together, I remembered that for years my DD watched Barney videos and learned a multitude of good lessons from that annoying purple dinosaur. I know your girls are older but they may need the simple words and actions on a show like Barney.
My son (older than DD) would even watch them over her shoulder and try to act like he wasn't. = )

Don't forget that your girls are like infants in a family, they are so new to it and have no ideas about how to act or feel in a family. When my DD had more language she would cry and remind me, "I am just a little girl trying to learn to be in a family."

Vegge Tales are also good videos.

You are so awesome. I love your blog and your wonderful innate sense of what your girls really need.

Anonymous said...

I read the Internet on my phone. I don't know how to copy and paste links but familyofadoptees.blogspot.com is an amazing read. This lady is like you, wonderfully transparent. If you search her blog she has several really good practical tips for dealing with some of these similar issues. I am rooting for you and the girls. Hopefully you'll have a lovely Holiday Season. Thinking of you!

foreverfamily said...

thank you for sharing your journey. even in the thick of it your spirit can penetrate the layers of behavior in front of you and see the girl. You're doing great!