Thursday, July 9, 2015

Setting Things Straight!

Kate, you are making many, many assumptions. I'm not going to delete your comment because others need to understand that there are people like you feel free to declare things as truth that are NOT true when you are not in position to possibly know.

I'm going to set you straight here...

1. I adopted my children WITH the support of my agency, social worker and attachment therapist and close friends who know the intimate details of my life and the girls' lives. My agency actually required a report from our attachment therapist in order to make sure adopting Apple was in everyone's best interest. Obviously, it was or they'd have never allowed it. CCCWA also thought so since they granted me a waiver due to the number of children in my home.

2. I have provided my daughters with NUMEROUS opportunities to make friends. THEY WON'T DO IT. Making friends requires making an attachment, showing compassion and empathy, and communication skills, something many, if not most, children who have spent numerous years in an orphanage struggle with and usually struggle with for their entire lives.

3. You don't have any idea which blogs I read. The parents of the blogs I read have NOT given up on their kids AT ALL. They have done EVERYTHING they can to help their kids and continue to help them. Many are in counseling or have been, and have taken the advice of professionals. Sometimes it has helped, sometimes is has not, sometimes it's made things worse. I have not come across one single adoption blog where the parents have given up on their child(ren), not one!

4. To be clear, you have NO idea what plans I've already made, will make or what advice I'm considering from my bishop and other professionals I've consulted with.

5. His advice to not worry about the relationship my girls have with a particular much older, troubled girl is very wrong. Thankfully, the girls' own mother has shared certain things with me that I've needed to know for the safety of my own girls.

6. The point of my post is to vent after a very frustrating conversation in which my bishop does not understand the severity of the special needs of my girls - believe me, you have no idea either - since we are getting new diagnoses and still doing further evaluations as new things present themselves as more and more layers unravel themselves.

7. Anonymous 2, thank you, it IS alarming that older girls would hurt a small child, yet that is the example my girls grew up with and experienced in their own lives before I got them. Fortunately, the instances have not been any more severe than what happens in many homes with sibling rivalry and jealousy or annoyance of a younger sibling with a slightly older sibling. However, due to the ages of my girls, it's especially inappropriate and can lead to more extreme behavior, which is why I am monitoring them carefully and taking necessary steps, with the help of appropriate people, to protect Apple and teach the older girls that they may not hurt other people!

8. Kate, I do not share even close to half of what happens in our lives on this blog and you've never met me or my girls, so you don't have any facts to base your assumption on that I favor Apple over my other girls. None at all. You are very wrong in your assumption.

9. No where in this post did I report any academic status of my children, so your comment that I "complain they're making no academic progress" is incorrect. In fact, last May, my post reported that they HAVE made academic progress!

Readers, please keep the perspective of what a blog, particularly my blog, is. It's a place to share with the adoption community certain aspects of my life. It's not a complete picture at all. It's not a place where readers can come and even begin to think they know me or my children and what our lives are like after reading mere snippets of information posted weeks apart. Please stick to FACTS, not speculation/assumptions when commenting.

Anonymous 1, thank you for your advice to "Just learn not to look for support where you will never find it." That is a conclusion I've also drawn after this last experience. Implementing it is harder than it would seem to be since one often believes their "church family" would be loving and caring. I miss that love and care I had in my old congregation, who knew me from the time I was a small child, who watched me grow up, knew my talents, strengths and weaknesses, witnessed the miracle of adoption of these girls and had a positive hand in it. To be fair, this new congregation has only known me for a short time and only during the hardest time of my entire life. Still, as I sit in church and listen to lesson after lesson of Christ's teachings, most lately of which have been on giving comfort to those in need of it, I sorry to say, that's not what I've felt from all but a select few members of my congregation. In fact, one of my daughters has been deliberately left out of a sewing class given by one of the sisters and that hurts me to the core because my daughter has developed some very good sewing skills and I knew it would be fun for her to join other girls she knows at something she can hold her own at. This sister even ran two session to accommodate the number of girls interested and my daughter was still left out. Thankfully, my daughter doesn't know this has happened. That's a hurt in her life she doesn't need to have.


Anonymous said...

I have read your blog for many years and am so impressed and amazed at your love for your beautiful family, not to mention the energy you expend in doing all you can to raise them in a loving family. All situations are different but we can't underestimate the impact on children who are raised for years in an institution without the love of a family. Even children who are adopted at just one or two years of age and who have no memory of their early lives are, I believe, affected by the losses they suffer. Some things can't be "fixed' but we have to do all we can. It is heartbreaking to know there are millions of innocent children who will never know the love and security of a family. You love and protect your children and I believe you are an amazing, loving and very capable mother who is doing a great job.

Renate said...

My goodness I am amazed how mean a lot of people who post online are. People think its OK to comment on other's lives.You know I have read your blog for years. I know you love them and do the best you can and are doing a great job. I have never left a mean message on someone's blog. If I don't agree or like something I don't have to read the blog. You keep doing what you are doing!

Anonymous said...

It is always painful to see your child struggle or be excluded. If this exclusionary behavior came from an adult, which I think from your writing it is, I encourage you to call her next time. It's really quite unacceptable.

I wonder if your lack of support from your church has something to do with you being single? I don't say this with any pride, but at our ward it would be seen as very "unusual" for a *single* woman to adopt 4 children with such obvious special needs. I'm sorry you are not supported.

Shecki Grtlyblesd said...

Sorry, K. :( The saying, "Don't let the turkeys get you down" comes to mind.

We were part of an indifferent/discouraging church when it comes to adoption, too. We were there for 9 years, and no one noticed or reached out when we stopped coming after K&L came home.

I hope you get the chance to talk to the sewing sister and let her know that she hurt your feelings and that your dd could have kept up and done well in her class. Maybe she assumed it wouldn't work, based on her observation of the other girls?

Mari said...

I have read your blog for a long time. I am also a single mom of 4 adopted girls. I have the usual parental stresses and angry times - and mine cause me little problem. So I am always in awe of what you have to deal with - just medical issues are a huge, huge thing to deal with, much less all the complications that come with older child adoptions.

Long ago you posted about having to take apart your toilet every day because 'someone' was clogging it. You won me over then. If you can take your toilet apart over and over and over and not 'kill' your children, lady, you can do most anything.

However well we manage, we all need support and time alone and someone to listen. Blogs are a place where we can say the things we can't say to anyone else.

Kate said...

#1 Michael Mancuso was allowed to adopt Masha Allen from Russia. Every single article on is about a family who passed a homestudy and security checks and was allowed to adopt.

There aren't federal homestudy standards. If your agency or social worker didn't approve you to adopt... you could have hired s different agency/social worker and adopted anyways!

You're in way over your head... to the detriment of all FOUR of your socially stunted daughters. All of whom deserve SO MUCH BETTER!

Penny said...

K, just wanted to say that I've seen Kate comment very negatively on other blogs. She very clearly has her own axe to grind and is projecting it on to others wherever she can.

Anonymous said...

But do you think there is any truth to what Kate said? Do you ever wonder if your kids would do better in a family where they are the only kid? Your attention is divided between 4 children who all need a lot from you. I'm not saying that as a negative judgment against you, just raising the question. It seems very often when things go poorly it is in adoptive families with multiple children added within a short time frame. I think your bishop was smart to not get into a one upping battle over whose children behave worse. You often come across as defensive on your blog. Maybe your bishop was right to try to encourage you to focus on the things your children can do. It sounds like he was trying to help and you rebuffed him. I'm not against homeschooling and I understand your public school district is bad but are there no other options for the 5 of you to have time apart from each other beyond therapy appointments?