Sunday, August 9, 2015

A Perfect Example

Thank you for your support, Anonymous. And thank you for your perfect example of how much doesn't make it into my blog.

Blossom's hair. Yes, it's short. It needs to be, for her sake. Jo, you ASSUME that the haircut was to meet MY standards. You are very wrong. It was to make it easy for Blossom to keep herself clean and neat, especially in weather that commonly soars over 100 degrees all summer long.

So, here's the perfect example of what doesn't make it on to the blog...

I didn't start with the haircut that Blossom currently has. I gave her a cute, stylish wedge that everyone, including Blossom, loved. It was a little longer and she looked great. The problem was that it always fell into her eyes from the back. She doesn't have the instinct to push it out of her face or swing her head so it falls back. The result was that it was always in her eyes and across her face and looked like a mop. I cut it shorter and shorter until it no longer fell into her eyes and she was happy.

But see, everyone assumes that I just hacked it all off. And frankly, even if I had, that's my decision between Blossom and myself.

Then, last May, I figured perhaps a salon might have some better ideas so off we went. What a disaster! I won't even put the pictures up because the haircut is soooo bad that Blossom is crying in them. I fixed it and it was back to the old style.

My blog is not a place to justify my decisions, but to share the reality of raising my daughters with others in the adoption community.

Blossom has many issues just from being in an orphanage.

She has many issues due to the abuses she suffered there.

She has some issues due to being relinquished by her birth parents and her first family, who cared enough to bring her here even when they knew in China that they couldn't parent her. That took guts!

She also has a congenital birth defect - a cognitive one - and was in special ed in China. We all know that when our children first come home, it can be hard to discern what issues are due to what and which ones are orphanage delays and which ones are cognitive delays. Blossom's cognitive delays are significant. She can't reason, she has great difficulty learning anything and everything, but she CAN learn.

I'm not going to cover up our difficulties. If readers want roses and sunshine, read some other blog. I'm keeping it real here, but not sharing all. That would be impossible and inappropriate. Blossom is MY DAUGHTER AND I LOVE HER.

Commenters are welcome to leave supportive, positive comments and advice, but from now on, any comments as ridiculous as telling me I should give up my child or judging me when one isn't in complete knowledge of the facts will simply be deleted without explanation or acknowledgement.

12 comments:

Jennie said...

When I first read about Blossom's haircut, I was truly impressed that her hair hung so neatly after you had cut it. And it is also very becoming! Growing up in Asia, thick hair with a short haircut like Blossom's is very popular and we envied girls who could carry it off - like Blossom.

K, Cheering you on!

Anonymous said...

Sorry you had to take valuable family time to write a defense to a negative comment. People can have their own opinions, but it's not appropriate or productive to leave you feeling attacked. It's hard parenting these children especially as a single parent, thank you for your honesty and perspective.

Maria said...

I've been reading your blog for a long time and I just wanted to say that you are doing an amazing job with your girls.
Maria

sammmomtoliv said...

K,
I admire your honesty and your bravery for posting your truth. I have found that the adoptive community is at once very supportive and equally as critical and judgmental. I have stopped blogging because I could not find a comfortable level of honesty in my writing: too little and it is a fairy tale version of reality; too much and I feel open for attack and am afraid of scaring others away from adoption, While 3 of our adoptions have been fairly smooth, one of my children is diagnosed with RAD that has, as puberty approaches, gotten much more disruptive. That being said, we love him to the ends of the earth. It is so hard to express the depth of frustration and anger you can feel towards a child you desperately love, enjoy, and need in your family. I can't imagine how you felt as those commenters offered to parent your beloved -although challenging- child. It's just a pure misunderstanding of what goes on in the very complicated dance of attachment. It's awful and it's beautiful. And it's worth it,I believe, because we were called to this. k, I can see you are doing all you can. We are all imperfect humans just trying our best and with God's grace, hopefully we will find more peace in our families. If we fail, we did so following Him. Be strong, my friend. Samantha

Anonymous said...

K, the two commenters who are urging you to hand over your daughter to them because they think they can raise her better than you, are flat-out nuts. They're all grown up and are obviously *still* struggling with some serious social and cognitive challenges of their own! Blossom is very lucky to have been adopted by a sane and stable mother like you, and not by some crazy person like these commenters.

Anonymous said...

Remember when you post a blog on the internet, it is like displaying your family information on a public billboard.

Anonymous said...

I try really really hard not to comment on your commenters because I did that years ago and you said I was being too hard on them. I really hope you won't think I am being too hard on them in this case.


1) Who in the $&@! do you think you are??!!!!! Now that I read your comments I can see that you lack basic common sense. Any and all of your children need to come live with me immediately. I am a perfect parent who never complains about hard times. You obviously think that is a criteria for being a good parent.

2) Why do you read K's blog??????
I have read this blog for so many years I can't remember how long it's been. I have always been uplifted and inspired by her outlook on parenting. I have five beautiful children myself. I would never have the courage to blog or tell my friends about some of the hard times we've gone through because of people like YOU. I don't need to be judged for the realities of life. That is what God is for. And no, you are NOT him.

3) K'a angry? Well you must be peeking into her windows. From what I can see, she is a very happy person who is learning to deal with unthinkable difficulties. I think that deserves compassion but I am a CHRISTIAN. I actually care about the feelings of people whose blogs I read.

4) "THE HAIR" - What the %^*# is wrong you? Who the #>*+ cares if it is cut differently than the other girls. She looks great. Maybe not by your standards, but then again you're not a Christian. Any Christian wouldn't judge someone by their looks or how they cut THEIR child's hair.

5) K has always been very open on her blog. Why can't you see that as a good thing??? Other people (such as myself) might be unbelievably grateful for her disclosures. I seriously thought about adopting before reading her blog. Not that adoption isn't amazing, it just isn't for the faint of heart. I couldn't be half the Mama to those girls that she is.

6) Her relationship with her Fireman is none of your business. If she thinks her kids come first, more power to her.

7) Go to your local Foster Care website for Available children. There are all different races and special needs. You wouldn't even need to steal one (or try and bulky one) from a single mother who is doing an amazing job.

8) Don't post again. My Christian beliefs only go so far. I am not going to sit back and watch K get bullied.

9) Go and take care of your own children. If you don't have any, there is a reason for that. Refer to number 7.

10) K is an amazing Mother.


Anonymous said...

If Adoptive parents don't share the truth on their blogs/online, who will? Should people live in silence? Should they believe they are alone? Let's lift each other up. We all want what's best for the children.

A good read:

http://afterstories.blogspot.com/2008/03/notes-for-those-that-struggle.html?m=1

Anonymous said...

There are 537 beautiful children currently available for adoption on this site.

https://www.adoptex.org

Anonymous said...

Jo,

Ashley seems like a good fit for you.

https://www.adoptionexgallery.org/profiles/show/109497

Anonymous said...

People dont want to adopt just any child. Ashley is probably not the one Jo wants. Jo can simply see that these children will most likely be far far luckier elsewhere. Whoever Anonymous is... I have met the three older children I dont think you are open to suggestions or constructive criticism. Someone with 9 cats, 4 children, and a career hardly seems realistic to me especially if the kids arent going to school.

Especially given the conditions these children came from. But you feel like God talks directly to you. This is fine, my mother was like this too. I know you feel God told you your child is in China, etc and I know You will not listen to concerned human beings when you talk directly to God already. Even the leaders of your church tell you things you will not listen to. Im sure their connection to God is less then yours and you will simply say something like the leaders in your church do not understand the entire situation, etc just like you tell everyone else anytime they have a honest concern. Nothing anyone can say will have an effect on you. I suggest you make your blog private only to people who agree with you since you simply filter out any suggestions that do not match perfectly with your own opinion.

I love my mom so please do not think I am using this as judgement. Its just an example. I think perhaps your judgement is perfectly clear when perhaps when it should not be.

I think you can do a good job with 4 kids, its possible, but you need to be open to change. Change in yourself, change in your approaches, etc. Perhaps I am projecting from my own childhood which was mostly miserable due to an overly religions and strict parenting and extremely sheltered. I wished everyday to be in a different family but now Im forgiving my parents.

Anonymous said...

Hi K. Your head must spin with some of the stuff people write. Some are hilarious in their support of you - I love the response with the 10 numbered points! That writer is correct. You are amazing.

You have been willing to CHANGE and alter your life in every conceivable way for the love of your girls. You have given up everything including all of your time, privacy, energy, and possibly most of your finances for the benefit of those wonderful yet hurting children. You have even put your own future happiness with your fireman on the back burner in the interest of helping your girls achieve all that they can.

Those who are bold enough to suggest that they could fix the girls with their immense love and incredible parenting skills need their heads examined. If they want more children, especially older hurting ones, they need only get off their tails and do the hard work it takes to adopt their own. Too much work I guess. Or they'll give some other lame excuse about how they don't qualify, have the money. etc, etc, etc. Right.

I for one am so happy that you blog honestly. I have my own hurting children and I learn so much from your strategies and experiences. Keep up the brave writing. We need to stick together even if it's just through this medium. It is still very valuable. I love that you won't be bullied. That's why you are a good mom. You've got more intestinal fortitude than most. Kudos to you!